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That doesn't even capture theessence of what I mean. I'll decide to go for a walk, let's say, toget exercise, some air - but when I stop and consider what I shouldwear, make-up or no make-up, shoes, hair, I just get overwhelmedsometimes. So many infinite possibilities it seems. And still, Ihave no set fashion, or style. It's how people communicate who theyare. Do I wear Talbots, black leather pants or Banana Republic? Iwant a tattoo, I think. I want to pierce my ears again. At least myears. I want to look slutty. But I don't. I experiment with allthe million gradiations in between. But still, even just walking inslacks or a skirt, I can't escape the reality that I have eggs, aclit, fallopian tubes, a cervix. I want to prove it. I want someoneto see me.I kept thinking about that. I started watching myself in the mirrorand imagining how others must see me. For the first time, I startedtaking some pictures of myself. I think I was afraid to before. Orsomething. I. If it didn't workout, would I be able to fire him? He read the apprehension in my eyes."Don't worry Joan, we'll try it for a few days and, if you're not happywith my work, we'll simply part friends." I tried to convince myself that we'd be helping each other out. He wassurely used to making a lot more money than twelve dollars an hour. Ionly hoped he was up to the task of some serious physical exertion. Helooked beyond fit. "One thing, Joan, I have no place to stay. If I'mgoing to take this job on, I trust you're going to include a room plusmy hourly rate." I was getting in over my head. I had no idea if that would beacceptable. I had a strong inkling that it wouldn't be. Still, I wasanxious to prove my own authority and accepted his terms. He smiled atme and we shook on it. If he was as good as he looked, the rest of thejob would be a snap. If he wasn't, it could get dicey. I couldn't keepfalling back on the fact that I was just a fourteen year old kid. I'dbeen given a huge.
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