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From the first moment we met, I was hiding behind that shadow. I squared my shoulders, resolving not to do it again. This was my Alistair. I would take him at face value, not assume he'd suddenly become the shadow. I would take my life back and make it what I wanted, what I always feared I'd never have, and I wouldn't let the fear get in my way."You have to understand." I swallowed nervously, and continued. "This was hard for me." I turned, unable to look into his eyes for this. "I loved him before you and I even met. Or, I suppose, I would have, had I known he was real. I was lonely, and he was ... perfect, in a word. But fairy tales don't come true, you know. I spent twenty-four years learning that the hard way. So when I met you ... I knew it couldn't be real. It was just a fantasy, and one that would get me hurt. It wasn't real. It couldn't be."I turned back, taking his hands and replacing them on my cheeks before covering them with my own, smiling softly. I went up on tip toes,. "I started crying then, not a few little tears either. This was the cry I'd been waiting for. Ten days after I'd found out I was pregnant and I hadn't let it go until then. I pulled up my knees, hugging them to my breasts and I wailed, rocking and bumping my back again the heavy dark wood behind me. It hurt, like a headache, like a cramp in my tummy. It hurt like someone was dying and I couldn't stop it.I cried for a long time and Father McDougal left his half of the confessional and came to mine, opening the door and helping me out. He gave me a handkerchief and brought me to the side of the alter, by the statue of the Virgin Mary, and we sat down on the steps there at her feet. I hid my face in that white shroud of cloth, soaking it with shame and afraid to look up."Am I going to hell, Father?" I asked softly."No." He sat very close to me and his voice seemed old and dry like sandpaper."I didn't mean to get pregnant." I rolled my head on my shoulders. "I thought ... I just.
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