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I was standing next to the man I love, and his hand was in mine, and his smile was just off to one side; everything, suddenly and quite pleasingly, was now right with the world. Though he doesn't know he's the man I love yet. We agreed, way back at the beginning, not to use the L-word until we were sure we meant it. (This was mostly because we saw Derek and Arie just flinging it around like poisoned water.) I have meant it, for quite a while now; I just haven't said it. I wonder if he's felt it on the tip of his tongue for months the way I have."Derek, huh," Brandon said. "He's your partner, then?" No, actually, he isn't," I said.A fleeting look of panic crossed Arie's face. "Who is his partner, then?" Faith Bennett," I said.Brandon and Arie gave me identical looks, as if someone had just punched them between the eyes. "Faith Bennett, " Arie repeated."I know," I said, "I didn't believe it either." Look, here comes Gavin," said Brandon, pointing—and, indeed, Gavin Strickland was. That was not the moment he died, but the instant he transitioned out of our physical plane to wherever his spirit went. No amount of sedatives has helped me sleep past that minute, but they did help me return to a still fretful sleep.Once awake, I just lie in bed all day, moribund, waiting for something to change. Life --sigh-- goes on. Well, maybe for everyone else, but not for me. The endless days are all the same.Each day, I vaguely remembered enjoying the party, hating the lockjaw and sore asshole and pussy and feeling my boots, nightie and necklace dissolve around me in a chilly breeze. Then I struggled painfully to ultimately see Al just as he gets sucked into the coffin; feel his icy loving cock inside me; ... watch him dissolve. THAT'S when I wake up screaming again. This has been my life for FOUR DEAD years. Then the deep, deadly depression worsens.Every time I ask, Steve or Laura remind me of that malevolent night. No matter how hard I try, I still have no memory of how.
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