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"You KNOW better than that. I won't let my husband abuse you." Thankya, sweetie," the waitress said, smiling. She patted my shoulder. "You're in good hands, Mister Alan." Are you sure that you want this, Jason?" I asked.Jason smiled. "I don't think I have a problem with waitress abuse, buddy."I looked at Susan. She was glowing. Tina. Smiling. Everybody else was happy. I just as well join the club."So when's the date?" Weekend after graduation," Susan said. "That way we're married, we can do a honeymoon because the project will be over, and we'll see what happens after that. College. Work. But we're part of the bunch, you know. That's for definitely." A week after graduation? That's not a lot of time to plan a wedding," I said. I picked up a piece of fish.Susan's blue eyes got serious. "Well, that's a good sign, Tina. He's talkin' about our wedding plans," then she turned to me. "Alan, I am not holding out for a big, gaudy wedding. I think they're ridiculous. My cousin had one last. The shame you feel after hurting yourself to cope is difficult to deal with and I’ll be honest and say that the shame sometimes made me feel so bad that I actually harmed myself twice in the space of a few minutes. The term vicious cycle has been used to describe self-harm. I completely agree. It’s exactly the right term to use. You feel bad, you cut. You feel bad about cutting, you start to feel worse. And you cut again. And it keeps on going, and going, and going... It’s very hard to explain and incredibly difficult for people to comprehend but hurting yourself is very addictive. I have no idea why but that’s the only word that I can find to at least try to explain. People often mistake is as a suicide attempt but that’s just because the most common place to cut is arms. It’s not about dying, it really isn’t. It can be a cry for help but for most it’s to help cope with emotional pain. It’s a completely stupid way to cope; I’ll be the first to admit that. But I will.
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