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It wasn’t social acceptance I needed, but self-acceptance. I could tell myself I wouldn’t do it, but deep down I knew I would succumb to my dark desires. They made me feel dirty and ashamed, but horny as well. It felt degrading and naughty, yet it fulfilled some need I didn’t know I had, some identity that had been kept secret from myself. This part was very liberating and exciting. Nonetheless, when I took out or answered an ad, I felt adrenalized, even shaking. Why did I force myself to do this? If they responded, I was excited, yet terrified. If they didn’t, I felt disappointed and discouraged, but relieved. If I accepted, I would think about it all day, with a knot in my stomach. Yet, when it came time to meet, I half felt like canceling or bailing out, but did not do so. When we did meet, I was just fine; after all, I had done this before, and enjoyed it, so what’s the big deal? I decided to give it one last try, do everything, satisfy my curiosity, and get it out of my. The grain buyeralready signed the contract with us a month ago. So on Saturday evening after chores we can have the preacher come out here and tie the knot."Friday afternoon I have some business in town anyway so we can go in and get the license and make the final arrangements with the preacher. Do those arrangements suit you?" He grinned at the two lovebirds."It will be perfectly fine for the both of us," Mary Jean said firmly. Ad Roman just nodded. He kept staring into Mary Jean's eyes.Pa continued, "Now we just happen to have an old ring and it might fit this young lady's finger. What I propose is this. I need some help on a few chores for about a week. So I'll pay you fifteen dollars and toss the ring in to boot. Mary can stay and help and I'll pay her another fifteen dollars for the extra week." What ring is this, Hon?" Ma asked."Well, you remember how I bought you the first wedding ring and we lost it before we got married and then I bought you another?"Ma frowned, "Yes, then.
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