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It restored a lot of my confidence. More importantly, it showed me that I was not ready to engage again in the hard work necessary to form a deep commitment.Relationships have stages. There is an excitement about a first date or a new relationship that is indescribable. You go out of your way to put yourself in a good light. On a first date or the first few months of a new relationship you consciously work to impress. You go out of your way to be charming and witty. You want to sweep them off their feet.It's hard to 'just be yourself' when you are working to impress someone.I think it's the uncertainty. The butterflies wondering where the night will end up, or whether there is a chance that the relationship will be consummated. The tension of trying to discover more about the person you are with and whether you are attracted to them. It's all part of the mating dance that we all learned in high school.But, for the same reasons, new relationships tend to be superficial. You don't know. ”“Yeah. Um ... What else did you get?”“A Moleskine journal and a pen.”“A journal? In paper? Don’t you like have Tumblr or Facebook?”“Yeah, but I want this on paper.”“Are you going to sharpen your own quills?”“I want to be a writer. Ms. Levy said today that the one thing a writer does every day is write. She suggested a journal.”“It’s pretty. So soft,” Francie said as she stroked the cover.“Are you going to let us read it?”“It’s personal, Em. That’s why it’s not online.”I was going to have to do something about that. I thought that if I kept it in my secure backpack it should be okay but what about when I filled a book and needed to store it. And who else was going to ask to see my journal? Would Ms. Levy want to read it? I still felt it was more secure than a social media site where a hundred million people were poking around looking for stuff. And the government. I never did trust that cloud thing.Even though I’d had no actual classes, my first day at school was exhausting. I had to.
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