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’ I didn’t know what to say. My heart filled up with some much needed love at that moment, and my eyes started to water a little. Hers did too. ‘I really don’t know what is going to happen, but I will do whatever I can for you k**s. You guys are my life.’ About that time my boys came into the room, and started getting cereal for breakfast. I sat drinking my coffee and my wife came out, dressed for work already. She still looked miserable, but smiled for the k**s’ sake. She looked like she wanted to say something, but nothing came out. She finally sputtered out a quick, ‘I love you guys,’ and then left the house. As her car drove off, the k**s all got ready for school, and Sidney helped me get situated back in my room. My mom was going to stop by, and help out during the day while the k**s were at school. While I lay in bed watching some movie, I started thinking about how shitty my life has been lately. I had nothing but time on my hands to get stuck in my own thoughts. I thought that. I also had to think of my responsibility to my child - I wanted to be a good role model. To me (at the time) it was about not only being a good parent but about showing a much defined, clear cut feminine role. While I was pregnant I managed to find a balance between customising some of my masculine clothing so it still fitted me and also wearing some female maternity clothes too. But before I gave birth I threw out all my 'boy' stuff because I thought I simply couldn't blur the lines like that in case it left a 'bad' impression on my child. That wasn't the first time I had thrown stuff out. I had gone through phases in the past of collecting my male clothes and keeping them in my wardrobe, and then various pressures or misplaced guilt had caused me to make myself stop and be feminine all the time. I know now it was because of pressure within my relationships, or fear of other people thinking badly of me. I now know it was all wrong - I was all wrong - but society has such clearly.
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