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I am unused to failure. I haven't experienced it very often and this came as a shock. I thought I was so well prepared. I was sure Howard would see that this was important to me and that he wouldn't deny me my need. He's never denied me anything I really wanted before. Why did he react so dramatically this time?I had to rethink my situation. I love Howard. I know I do. But I need some excitement in my life. I'm nearly fifty and I need this. I need someone to help me feel alive and desirable. God knows, Howard is a wonderful lover. He fills me so completely and he is so thoughtful with me. I couldn't ask for a more considerate husband. But ... I need more.I've really made a mess of this. I've alerted him to my intention. I've stupidly caused him to doubt me. There is no way I can indulge myself if he is watching me closely. Why did I have to warn him? What kind of fool am I? I've just made it that much more difficult to have an affair.I've already made up my mind. I'm going to do this.. People that are too proud to file for disability until they just can't do a damned thing anymore should take a warning from me. If you go too long scraping by without filing, you could end up going past the recent quarters limit. Best to file for it before you need it, just in case. That little detail just added to the bone I thought I had to pick with politicians.There I was yesterday, driving to Wal-Mart in a car with expired tags, no insurance, and I didn't even have a valid driver's license. Wouldn't you know it, a damned off duty city policeman cut over in front of me in his personal car and clipped my front fender. What a fucking bummer. I knew this would normally be time in the pokey for me, even though I didn't do a damned thing wrong in this limited specific instanceIt was an off duty city cop and I knew the shitass. We'd never had a personal run in, because I was usually pretty careful not to get into any shit. It was a small town and I stayed at home most of the time and.
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