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We had faxed them back and forth until it seemed we were both satisfied with the result. Today would be her first day under my roof, and I was itching to discover her pain tolerance. Sure, she said she was a masochist, but I highly doubted she had ever been with someone like me. Even Ella was no comparison. To waste some more time, I picked up her questionnaires. As I read through them for the thousandth time, I again noted that, assuming the answers were honest and not what she thought I wanted to hear, she had a very high self-esteem. That was good. I hated women who felt so bad about themselves that they used me to punish some perceived fault. Now, dont get me wrong. Inflicting pain on someone else is what I do, but it has to be on my terms, not hers. I am not a therapist or a priest handing out penance and atonement. I am a sadist. I enjoy hurting people who enjoy getting hurt. I looked up when the doorbell rang, and I smiled. Finally! Leaving the paperwork on my desk, I walked. I'm afraid of losing Jake, that's true. I do love him. I do. He's a wonderful man and I want a future with him." But?" Dr. Lehner added."But I'm also afraid I'm not all that he thinks I am. That's confusing for you to hear, I'm sure. It's confusing to me." I'm not confused," Dr. Lehner said. "You need to feel comfortable with your feelings, with the love and attraction you felt to Lauren, just as you are attracted to your husband." I know." It's perfectly fine to be bisexual, Stacey."I stared at him. I wanted to be shocked that he, a doctor, felt I was - am - bisexual. In the back of my mind, behind all the things that were making me feel guilty, that label lurked. "Bisexual." It wasn't a question anymore. It was a statement. I tested the word on my tongue.I left Dr. Lehner's office in a daze. I stopped by a liquor store and bought a few bottles of wine, a six-pack of microbrew for Jake and a bottle of Scotch.Even though the word was out in the open, I still didn't know how to deal.
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