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”I was still on cloud nine, but at the same time disappointed that I will not be able to have sex with her.The marriage day came, and we all went to the ashram very early in the morning.Guruji had made all the arrangements, Roopa Devi (Maaji) was in a maroon sari and was looking like a goddess of beauty. She had lots of colorful bangles, flowers in her hair, and lipstick.We got married in the ashram, took blessings from Guruji, and he wished us good luck. We came back home by evening and Rani had made all the arrangements for the first night.I went inside the room and waited, reading some magazines. I was not sure what will happen and how to react. Maaji came into my room around 9:00 pm with a glass of milk.As soon as she came, I stood up from the bed. She came near me and touched my feet. I suddenly backed out and said, “Maaji, what are you doing?”My mother-in-law said, “From now on, I am your wife, and you have to address me with my first name and not maaji.” I said, “But…” She did. .. and thoughts swirling through my head."What if my buddies found out?" i thought , what if I'm gay?" was another ...the longer the day ran and the closer the time to meet the more freaked out i became.I actually walked 3 miles to the bar just to try to clear my head. I stood across the street staring into the parking lot Knowing i couldnt go in.Frustration and anxiety playing incredible tricks on my psyche.As i walked away from the bar after a few minutes , angry at myself...and more importantly disappointed. I decided to call her. "Hello ?" she answered."hey" Whats up Hun?" she inquired"Im freaking out baby" Why ?" Im scared and insecure. I'm a fucking retard. i cant do this tonight" ummmm oookaaaayyyy" she said with obvious confusion (i would like to think disappointment as well)i hung up the phone.After a couple of days , I couldnt stop thinking about her. Gazing at pix and wondering what could have been i called her again.She picked up and before she could say hello i intruded.
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