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Sort of getting even without getting others involved." John, are you telling me that after having me daily, that wasn't enough for you. Well, when you get back, we will decide on a marriage counselor to decide what to do with this marriage."I then hung up the phone. I could not believe after giving John every hole I had that he needed to plug somebody else. I got my keys and got in my car, and drove to the mall. Shopping always calms me down. I didn't buy anything. I thought maybe I should get even and sleep with Derek or some other good-looking guy. I walked into the house and went up the stairs, and in the hallway was Derek. He was walking from the bathroom to his room. His cute ass was bare, and when I said, "Oh!" he turned, I got the full monte.What I saw made me repeat my "OH!" only with more enthusiasm. John and Derek were twins. Same rugged face, same Sandy hair, same athletic build; they indeed were twins except for what was hanging between their legs. John was average, and I. Should I talk to her? But once I do... I'll know, and it has the potential to hurt. A high potential. And I can take physical pain, I can ignore that, but I can't take the emotional pain. I can't fight it. And I'll do anything to avoid it. But I can't keep going like this, my mom's word burrowing deeper into my brain, sowing these pessimistic seeds of doubt. And Carly notices my long looks at her, she senses that I'm almost constantly on the verge of saying something to her. But I can't.I want to, but I can't.Even as we head to bed, I'm fighting myself. Should I? Shouldn't I? Even as I slip under my blanket, even though I'm wide awake, fidgeting restlessly.I toy with a loose thread on the blanket, chewing my lip. No. I have to do it now. I stand, the blanket slipping from me. No. I can't. What if- I shake my head.I have to.I take a deep breath, pausing at the foot of the stairs. Once I do this... there's no coming back. Once it's done, it's done. It is what it is.I swallow hard..
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