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But, she was not to criticize or try to change how Cindy and I interacted.But then Cindy surprised me. She said that if we were in the bedroom, Shelly could listen to us outside the bedroom door. But if she wanted to observe us, she had to be as vulnerable as we were. That is, Shelly had to undress and insert a dildo, at least for a few minutes. Fat chance that would ever happen. But Cindy proved to be more perceptive than I.Friday afternoon Shelly asked to spend Friday afternoon through Sunday night at our house. I deferred that decision to Cindy, who approved of the plan and prepared our guest bedroom for Shelly’s use. That weekend, Cindy saw my ex-date much more than I did. When Cindy prepared a meal, Shelly was there, listening to how I preferred my meal cooked. When Cindy went to the grocery store, Shelly went with her and Cindy would comment on each item as she placed it in the shopping cart, explaining which meals and brands of food I preferred. And to her credit, Shelly did. She was hurt but my plan failed. I know that was ridiculously stupid. The shame you feel after hurting yourself to cope is difficult to deal with and I’ll be honest and say that the shame sometimes made me feel so bad that I actually harmed myself twice in the space of a few minutes. The term vicious cycle has been used to describe self-harm. I completely agree. It’s exactly the right term to use. You feel bad, you cut. You feel bad about cutting, you start to feel worse. And you cut again. And it keeps on going, and going, and going... It’s very hard to explain and incredibly difficult for people to comprehend but hurting yourself is very addictive. I have no idea why but that’s the only word that I can find to at least try to explain. People often mistake is as a suicide attempt but that’s just because the most common place to cut is arms. It’s not about dying, it really isn’t. It can be a cry for help but for most it’s to help cope with emotional pain. It’s a.
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