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” “How did that work out?” “Not well, I kept feeling like she was judging me.” “Was she?” “No, I think I was judging myself.” “We have a tendency to be our roughest critics.” “I think I deserve some rough criticism.” “Let's forget about judgment and criticism. Tell me what you think happened.” “The cuckolding part was easy. After I started dating Paul some of my male friends backed off, but not all of them. I still got occasional telephone calls from guys wanting to get together. At first Paul just asked me about the guys, but it wasn't long before he wanted details. I quickly realized that I enjoyed telling him the details as much as he enjoyed hearing them. We turned it into a game. I'd tell him about the sex I had with a particular guy while Paul went down on me. It was hot, I mean really hot. My sex with other guys became the focus of our sex. We both enjoyed it.” Nodding, I said, “I'm a bit of a voyeur, so I understand the excitement that can hold. While I was gone your mom and I. "Yeah, I agree, that sounds kind of extreme," my Rusky psychotherapist takes my silence as an answer. "Usually it takes people a lot to ... risk as much as you're risking. Personal tragedy, trauma ... they feel numb, so they want something intense and a little bit brutal to feel anything again. But maybe it's some kind of twisted search for meaning on your part. You see where I'm coming from? But maybe you're like a soldier, wanting to go back to Afghanistan because that's the only time you felt like you were someone, someone important, making a difference, living at the very edge, at your fullest." You're the weirdest psychologist I've ever been to," I tell the man. "What's the point of all this questioning, anyway?"Suddenly, the Russian straightens up and takes a long, deep gulp from his beer can. His facial expression changes. It doesn't become harder, or more evil or anything, just ... different. "Stand up," he gestures to me. "I want you to take off everything you're wearing.
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