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Neena wakes me. It's quite early. One of the Domestics, Arban, follows her in with my breakfast. She looks rather sulky, as if it's not her job – I don't suppose it is!Being served breakfast! Now that is a change. There must be some "event" planned for today. I feel pleased about the breakfast but then I'm immediately apprehensive as I think about what it might mean and what I might have to do to earn it."Please," Neena says, sensing my hesitation and gesturing to the tray they have brought for me. Usually any meals given to me in my cell come in little plastic boxes (which reminds me of a Chinese take away meal) inside a plastic bucket, but today the meal has arrived on a tray.There is no chair or table in my cell (of course) so I have to squat on the floor to eat the food provided. There is muesli (almost needless to say), cold smoked fish (delicious), fruit (refreshing), fresh baked bread, (smells wonderful), butter, coffee (smells even better) and water.As I finish it I glance up. I was afraid in some ways – scared shitless: afraid that I’d lose her; afraid that I’d never find a solid place to stand again; afraid that I end up alone in life. I was really in crisis. In hindsight, I should have gone into counseling, but that also scared me because I was afraid that I’d be forced back into the way I had been, and I didn’t want that either.“I guess that gives you a sample of what I was feeling at the time. I learned since then that you can’t keep up that level of angst for too long. Things start to settle down. You almost force them to. You pick a few simple things and nail them down at first, and say to yourself, ‘I won’t let this change any more. This is no longer fluid or in motion or in play.’”Pete asked, “Like what?”Dave thought, “We had been religious – Bible church twice a week and all. We kept talking about going back. One day, I just said ‘We’re not going back there ever again. That would be a huge step in the wrong direction.’ Alice agreed with my.
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