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The lift reached the ground floor, and the doors opened. For a moment I couldn’t move. I could see the empty lobby stretching out in front of me, the reception desk off to the right. It looked as if there was no-one there. For a moment, my heart soared with relief, but then I saw the corner of the desk clerk’s sleeve, busy at the computer. There was no going back. I couldn’t let Claire down.I stepped out of the lift and walked over, forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other. As I got closer, I could see the lady who was on duty looking at the computer screen, but as she saw me approaching she looked up, turning on the standard-issue corporate smile. I paused at the desk. I tried to speak, but my lips were dry. I sucked them in to moisten them, and tasted a dribble of semen.The moment when she realised what I had all over my face was the point when she showed true professionalism. Her eyes flicked rapidly from side to side, checking that there was nobody else around who. She was surprisingly perceptive, and noted my fidgeting and general anxiety; I was, however at least able to obfuscate the actual reason for my jumpiness; she put it down to lingering fear after what we came to call "the attack." I, of course, knew better; I spent every waking moment fantasising about my son. I knew it wasn't normal, wasn't right, but that sure and certain knowledge just made it all the more delicious, a secret ... secret love that I knew could never be.For that, in truth, was what I felt; I loved him. And not in the manner of a normal mother, oh, no! In the manner of a woman and a man. I wanted him to protect me as I cared for him, to warm my bed, to prove his love for me on my body. I lost count of how many times I had sobbed myself to sleep knowing the impossibility of my dreams, or tried to work it out of my system by masturbating and imagining I was with someone, anyone else. It never worked, though; my thoughts always returned to Brandon, muscles rippling.
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