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" With that, he stormed out. By this time, the cigars were out and Bernice was crying. "I don't understand. I won't ever do it again if it makes him unhappy. Why would he say those things about me?" "Madonna and whore." We both turned to look at Debbie. "What," I asked. "Madonna and whore. That's the way guys like Gus view women. They want to be excited and turned on by the ‘bad girls’, but they want their wives to be the pure virgins. He's being an asshole, in my opinion. He lives in the last century. "He's not like that," Bernice insisted. "Whatever. You can stay in our room tonight if he doesn't come back. I want to say a few things to you and right now I'm too drunk to say them right. We can talk about this some other day. He has no right to act like that though, and you shouldn't put up with that shit from any male. Let's go upstairs to our room.” And we did. Deb and I slept in the one bed and Bernice in the other. Gus never did show up. Whatever I had hoped would be. "WOW! She did get right down to it! I sat and thought, gathering mywords carefully and answered."In the beginning, it was very confusing and I must admit hurtful to mewhen I was told I was androgynous and even gender neutral which I knownow is not true. I am not gender neutral. From the beginning I was verynervous and even suspicious. I knew it was all pre-planned, but I justcould not put it all together until later. At first I let them convinceme because I saw it was what they thought was best for me and somethingthey felt I must do. Then, I just couldn't take it because I just didnot understand. All those I trusted and loved were telling me I was nota real person, that I was for the most part always a girl. My body wasmore girl than boy and even my manliness was deformed and useless forall its intended purposes. The real shock came to me when it was soeasy for them to make me appear as a girl. I knew that it would takemore than that to make me appear as a man. That is when I lost.
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