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I’m afraid to love anyone because I seem to always hurt them. I lost my temper badly with my mom. I’m having trouble sleeping.”“That’s a lot of things. Do you know what might have caused them?”“Me.”“Well, if you accept responsibility for your actions, we will have an easier time. I have some ideas, but I’ll ask you, where do you want to start?”“I want to start when I met Birgit at the beginning of Eighth grade. And that’s when I lost my virginity.”“Were those the same event?”“No. If it’s OK, I’ll just tell you the story.”I began talking and she let me talk for about fifteen minutes without interruption. I gave her the basic details of everything that had happened.“How do you feel about this older woman?”“Lucky. I don’t feel like I was taken advantage of, or anything. I wanted to do it. I really enjoyed it, and she was teaching me things I liked. I went back a second time so we could do it again!”Doctor Mercer laughed, “OK. And when Birgit left, how did you feel?”“A little sad, but. "Josh. Josh, what if I want to not have the baby?" What are you talking about, Julie?" I'm talking about an abortion, Josh. I can find the herbs easily enough to force contractions to come early. I could do it."I was stunned, and I looked in her eyes, searching."Julie. I love you." I paused a long moment. "I don't have any answers. I don't know what will happen. Neither do you." Josh! You're not listening! Look around you!" She waved her arms. "This is all ... this whole ... Josh! Everything here, all of it ... women DIE Josh. There's no doctor Josh! There's no civilization, no help! We DIE here Josh. We die young. Men usually die fighting or hunting, but not now, you're solving that!"She took a breath. "But! You're not solving OUR problem, the women. There's no medicine, no midwives, no doctors. There's no new penicillin, no new surgeons. BOUNTIFUL DIED, JOSH!"All I could do was try to hold her, but she shook her head, tears streaming down her face. "I don't know what to say, Julie.".
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